The Next Steps
It's a beautiful warm Nova Scotia morning. A fine fog creates a barrier between the sun and the land preventing the air from being unbearably hot and creating the perfect mosquito free temperature for writing outside. This is good because today I NEED to write. I am in a weird sort of limbo state. I am waiting for the results of my CT scan to see how the work I did in Hawaii affected my tumor.
Lots of "what's" are going through my head. What will I do if the tumor is gone? What will I do if the tumor is still there but hasn't grown? What will I do if the tumor is still there but is smaller? What will I do if the tumor has gotten bigger? What are the lessons in all of this? What do I need to do to move forward?
Adjusting to life back home has been well… interesting. The first few days were great, I allowed myself to have no 'to-do's' and went camping in a semi secluded location at the edge of a local lake with a friend. I took lots of time to rest, re-adjust to the seven hour time difference and practice qigong (which has become my new anti-anxiety/grounding/meditative fix). It was a perfect camping trip.. warm and sunny with lots of opportunity to swim nude and feel free. It ended with an epic thunder and lightning storm rolling through (which I LOVE) that transformed the trails into splashy splashy streams of warm summer rain for the hike out.
The days since then have been a little more difficult. I realized that I am not ready to be around people yet. I am not in a space to talk about cancer or tell stories of my treatment and time in Hawaii. To be honest, I can barely wrap my own head around everything that happened. I honestly feel like it's going to take me a good 3-6 months to let it all sink in. This is a weird place for me to be and I feel semi-guilty about hiding out and being anti social but it's what I need for me right now. I've come to realize that there is an upside and a downside to being public about my health crisis. The upside is getting oodles of support in a variety of forms which really does help astronomically; the downside is that everyone (which is A LOT of people) wants to know how things are going and it's just too overwhelming to talk about it over and over to every person. I also leave myself open to judgement that I may or may not be able to handle in this vulnerable place I am at in my life at this time. To all my peeps, just know that I do love you all and hold so much gratitude for all of your love and support. Right now I just need some quiet time to reflect.
Aside from the questions running through my mind about what to do with regards to the results of my CT scan, run numerous other questions… Now that I know what I don't want, what do I want to do with my life? What have I learned in my time away that I want to carry forward with me? Where do I want to live when I am back on my feet? Instead of sitting down and heavily pondering these things, I have been focusing on just being present in life and spending a lot of quality time in nature. Nature has always been key to my finding the answers within and this summer I am glad to be free of the commitment of my epic vegetable garden and able to just be in nature without a task list. I am trusting that my answers will come to me.
One thing I do know for sure is that I still want to get rid of most of my belongings and do some travelling. Since coming home all of the things I own have started to weigh heavily on me again and the idea of a minimalistic lifestyle has become ever so appealing. Although I still love the idea of a homesteading type lifestyle, I no longer feel like it is right for me right now. I feel like my stuff keeps me stuck and I want to be free. I have a feeling I will be hosting "yard sale of the century" before the summer is over.
Throughout my adjustment to being home and the many life questions that have arisen, water has been my saviour. There is something very healing about throwing a pair of fins on my feet and swimming out into the middle of one of the super warm local lakes or the salty ocean water. Out there I am alone with the waves… just a blip amongst vastness. It gives me new perspectives both visually and mentally and reminds me that I am just a little piece of a big whole and that nothing is really as important as it seems in day to day life.
So, as I am in this state of limbo and questions of what's next, I've come to realize that I really need some solid alone time. Time in which I can be completely present with myself. Time to write. Time to meditate. Time to art. Time to clear my head. The universe heard my call and an opportunity to stay in a cottage on my own for the next 4 nights appeared. I had to give up a camping opportunity which I had been really looking forward to to take this 4 nights of solitude but my heart told me it was what I needed most and since my diagnosis, I'm really working on listening to my heart even when logically it may seem illogical.
So to wrap up this post... a lot happened in Hawaii… like, a books worth of a lot's. I love you beautiful people but I am going to continue to be a hermit for a while as I figure my stuff out so don't take it personally that I don't respond to your messages or stop to chat at the local store (I still think you rock). And finally, although I am a bit overwhelmed, I maintain my positive mindset and am embracing this journey with grace (in between the random bouts of frustration and tears), whatever it throws my way.
Peace and Love,
Keep writing, keep retreating and keep following the nudges and whispers that lead you to the next best place. I admire your honesty and if we were all honest many of us have minds and bodies that would love us to find more solidtue, to stop repeating story after story and come home to ourselves. I love what you are doing. I can relate to the feelings of being bomboarded by the questions in or own mind and the pressures we put on ourselves. Keep returning to nature and the the tools you learned at your healing retreat. Please keep writing!!
Jessi...only you know how to best heal yourself and you appear to be on that track - listening to your heart! I can so relate to everything you write here, especially that you are turning to nature to continue your healing! Thinking of you lots! XXX000
I am proud you are taking care of you. You are the only one who can do what is right for you. Keep the faith and be strong, it will all come together as it is suppose to. No need to answer. Just wanted to let you know I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs
Well Miss Jessi ~ it’s so powerful when you write from the heart and gut. You do this so well and I know I’m not the only friend who feel privileged to read your words; your thoughts. When the time feels right to reconnect we’ll all be here! Meanwhile . . . there’s a lot to be said for adopting the life of a hermit. Loving hugs wherever you are.