Oh Woe Is Me
Welcome to my pity party! Because, well… it's just one of those days.
To be honest, I've been having a bit of a struggle lately… there's something in my subconscious calling for attention to be healed and whatever it is, it is DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE. I know there is something needing to be healed because lately I've been noticing my brain searching in an auto pilot type fashion for substances to take me outside of myself. I feel like I could punch someone in the face for a coffee and couple of strongbow with a plate of bacon, BBQ pork chops, a Wonderbar and a family sized bag of dill pickle chips right now. Oh buddy… what I wouldn't give..
Back in early May when I got my cancer diagnosis, I made many large changes to my life. For multiple health reasons (that I won't get into now), I decided to go on an anti-inflammatory, low-ish carb, keto-ish, gluten and preservative-free diet. Yup, I'm one of those annoying people right now. I immediately cut out sugar (which is in freaking EVERYTHING), caffeine and most carbs. That was an interesting first week to say the least. The body needs to do some serious adjusting for that let me tell ya. Then, just to put the icing on the cake (both of which I also can't have) I was reminded that smoked meats and BBQ were linked to colon cancer so I also said bye bye to my beloved bacon, beef jerky and summer BBQ's. Bit much there universe… bit much.
For the most part though, all of these changes have actually been relatively easy. I believe this is because the cancer diagnosis was such a shock and such a serious wake up call to stop fucking around with my life and my health. The fact that I am a very determined and driven person also helped in that I became hell bent that I was going to do everything I could to restore my body and mind to full health.
Lately though, it's been getting hard...
It's been just over a month since I returned home from Hawaii and the adjustment has been challenging. As I was packing up to leave Hawaii I really felt like I was just getting to know myself and would have benefitted immensely in a multitude of ways from a few more months away. Also since returning home, life is happening again. Bills have to be paid, appointments have to be attended, my strict AF diet and meals have to be planned out, bought and cooked (that was taken care of for me in Hawaii), etc, etc. On top of this I have been in a total limbo for weeks now waiting to find out if my tumor grew or shrunk and by how much. Although I got the results of my latest CT scan back a few days following the test, the information on the report was relatively confusing and mentioned nothing about the actual tumor nor the dimensions but they tell me I still have cancer. I am still waiting on clarification. Being home as apposed to Hawaii also makes it difficult to spend as many hours a day solely focusing on my health as all of this "life-ing" and attempting to make plans for my immediate future gets in the way.
Prior to finding out I had cancer I was in the in the in the midst of signing a lease for a lovey home rental, however, became no longer financially viable once I got my diagnosis and I had to give it up. Since then I have been grateful to have had the opportunity to stay at two different friends places but that too will soon be coming to an end. And then there's my stuff... my belongings are stored in bins scattered amongst 3 family members homes and although I've made headway on selling a lot of it, the rest either needs to be sold or stored before too long. So as of now I have a million questions surrounding how to move forward but no answers… yet.
Questions bumping around in my brain include: Is it better for my health to go away again for a few months and then come home? Where is the best place to go? Where can I afford to go? Where will I stay wherever I go? Am I going to be ok if I don't get surgery? Is it safer to get surgery, be held up for 6-8 weeks of recovery and then go travel? Am I going to be ok if I do get surgery? Am I going to feel like a failure if I get surgery? Where will I stay at while I recover if I get surgery? Should I sell ALL of my belongings or just the non-pertinent items? Do I want to live here and travel intermittantly or sell everything and live out of my backpack traveling the world for a while? Do I blow what little funds I have on rent or do I sleep on friends couches for the next while? Are there house sitting opportunities? What about short term rental opportunities? Can I afford a short term rental? What do I do about my beloved cat during all of this? Do I work on my own business plan and start getting the help I need? Or do I focus on getting rid of my belongings? Or do I focus on just being and taking care of my health right now and how do I even do that with all of the above? Like holy fuck who wouldn't want to binge eat chips and chocolate right about now?
So yeah… that past few days have been a little rough on the ol' noggin. I have been upbeat and positive about my diagnosis for the most part throughout this journey, but there are also hard times and so I am sharing because I wanted to be real about how my life feels right now.
On the upside though, cancer aside I must say that I feel like I am the healthiest I have probably ever been and feel better than I have in years. I am grateful for all of the friends that I have and all the experiences and opportunities to get outside and enjoy life that have come my way recently. I am also SUUUUUPER grateful for the stevia sweetened chocolate chips I just found at the grocery store and am totally devouring by the handfuls.
So that's that. I've provided lots of whine so if you would like to supply the cheese feel free because organic cheese is damn expensive! (you don't even want to know what an organic and sugar/preservative free grocery bill looks like, trust me). But kidding aside, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I know I am far from the only person going through "life" stuff and I hope to help anyone else who is struggling to feel a little less alone. I also feel like every now and then it's a good idea to just have one big verbal diarrhea and purge all the fear, doubt and general uncomfortableness inside. You've heard the saying "better out than in" and now that it's out I can continue to take steps to move forward.
I feel like it's always good to end a purge with some form of gratitude so here are some pictures I've recently taken from the beautiful community that I am grateful to have grown up in and be a part of.
Hi Jessi, I have a bed and breakfast in Glen Margaret (By the Bay) and I am sure that you and I could work figure out accommodation for you here after Thanksgiving (and for the winter). All the best to you. Cathie Watson.
Beautiful photos, Jessi. And beautiful honesty. I'll be the first to admit, being optimistic and accepting of the tough stuff is for sure the way to go - but there are times cracks appear and you realize that feeling that way and moving through life with the determination to see the sunny side, is actually a heavy decision. I still think it's the right one. Going through those times when your load feels too heavy in the open and accepting love and support from around you are key.
Wow jessi, lots to think about. My first response is I feel stressed out reading about your worries. That cant be good for either of us. Xo. Although a sign of your powerful writing. Can you slow down at all. Take one day at a time, as they say. How can I help I wonder.Let me think.