"Discovering" BLOG

In this blog I will be documenting my experiences of personal growth and struggle as well as experiences that have brought me both joy and sadness in a very raw and authentic way (expect swearing). I invite you to join me on my journey of discovering what’s possible and I hope to inspire you to do the same as we journey through my life experiences together.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND WORK THROUGH FEELINGS OF FEAR, SELF DOUBT AND UNWORTHINESS. A PERSONAL REFLECTION.

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It's just one of " those days." I woke up with a knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. My brain is scattered and fear underlies every thought that I have. My muscles are tense and my irritation level is at an all time high. I try to do things that make myself feel productive, but I feel stuck, frozen in the anxious cycle of thoughts swirling inside of my head. Fuck. As usual when I feel this way, my first thought goes to some sort of mood altering substance. "A double shot of gin or an anti anxiety med (or both) will fix this in no time" says my mind. But, I know that those are just temporary fixes and that after the booze and/or benzodiazepine wears off, I will be right back where I started. Only I'll be slightly worse off because I'll have achieved nothing but the suppression of my feelings and added a feeling of guilt to the mix. Also fuck. Knowing that my first line of defence will not actually help me in the long run, I wrap myself in the coziest blanket I can find, sit ...
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THE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER OF A POST CANCER CHECK UP AND HOW I FOUND SELF EMPOWERMENT IN THE FACE OF THE UNKNOWN

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This is photo of me, eight months post bowel resection surgery, about to get a colonoscopy to check for the possible return of cancer.  Gulp. Although I was somewhat joking around when I took this photo, it did accurately represent a portion of my feelings at the time. Less so feelings about having a scope shoved up my ass and into my colon (the Fentanyl makes that a breeze), but more about what may or may not be found once we had a visual of my insides. Due to the worldwide Covid 19 pandemic, my original check up appointment had been cancelled leaving me feeling a bit uneasy and wondering about my internal state of health.  "Did the cancer return or not?"  This was my big question. Although I always try to remain on the positive side, the fear of cancer returning (I'm learning), is a normal experience for any cancer survivor.   My fear was exacerbated in part by the ...
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Recent Comments
Jessi
Aww, thanks Barb. Your words mean a lot
Tuesday, 16 June 2020 01:41
Jessi
Thank you so much friend, for everything!
Tuesday, 16 June 2020 01:42
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IT'S NORMAL TO FEEL THIS WAY

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Feelings. Oh, feelings...  It's that time of year again when most of us seem to feel a lot of them.  Since receiving a clean bill of health back in October, I have been experiencing a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. At times, I've felt nothing but pure bliss and elation. At other times, feelings of sadness, confusion and despair have consumed me. I've processed and am still processing a lot of stuff! Through the experience of being diagnosed with and overcoming cancer, I was gifted the opportunity to become aware of some self sabotaging patterns and behaviours that I had previously been engaging in. Endurism (apparently this is not a real word??), excessive productivity, and avoiding my feelings by various means to name a few...  The issue is, that these patterns of behaviour are all I have known for years... " Uncomfortable feelings to deal with? No problem, I'll...
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